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I Thought She Was Someone I Thought I Knew

January 21, 2015

As I looked at the old and fading photographs,I happened to glance in the mirror and realized the girl/woman in those photographs was someone I thought I knew. Where was the young,some said beautiful,but willful young woman? I searched my memory bank and remembered she had disappeared one late,hot and humid July night.She had cowered in the dank,dark,humid night trying to wash her eye out and could not think but for the pain and fear and anger she felt.There were others with her,but I do not know if she remembered all that had happened.A tragedy is personal and in some ways it can only happen to YOU.She cared not of the others that may be hurt other than the woman she had called mother for 12 years, She would lose that too,just like before when she was very little. Tragedies seemed to follow her.
She lost more than an eye and a mother that night,she lost that inner spark of wanting to know it all and experience it. It was the beginnings of the birth of a new era for not only women,but for all . It was the dawning of the perfect time for who she had been not who she was now.
She had been manipulative as a very young woman,and child,until coming home from school one day she was pulled into a basement of an unfinished house and repeatedly molested by those who were older than she by many years. Telling her parents was when she realized that they were no longer her heroes or touchstones.She was not being truthful they thought.they said she was lying and she then learned to keep things close to her vest and rely on those wits and looks to get her through many things until that night in July.She managed to push those experiences to the recesses of her mind, She was smart,creative and wanted to do something with her life. She continued to succeed in school,especially with her writing for the paper and creative writing, Her grades Had to be good in order to please her demanding parents,and her knowing that only school would get her as far away from those who had dismissed and denigrated her.
I look at the pictures again and cannot help but wonder what that young woman would have achieved had that night not happened. Am I making excuses for her,saying she still could have managed to attain her goals,
No, as she said this was the dawning of that new era,not the morning,afternoon,evening,and she was being programmed by those who said she needed to take no chances,get well and not worry about what she had wanted.She was being groomed,very carefully,to be like so many of that time, someone who please those around her,and especially young men. Losing one’s sense of self during the advent of your sexuality and what that means to a woman who those people that once told her how beautiful she was no longer say so.Those would in time say again,”You do not look like anything happened.” No, I guess not after numerous eye surgeries,and a marvelous artificial eye.
She was ripe for the picking after she regained what she thought was her identity …her looks even if enhanced by artificial means.

Does the fact that she now stares at the ruins of a family that was and will be no more and knows not the reason why…Are we destined to be the sum total of what made us be who we are and not who we could have been?

I know nothing anymore,and am far too tired and weary to care about those what have turned their backs not just on me,but the one they say they revere.I do not believe that for an instant as you would care more for his interests and desires rather than chasing your version of your supposed long suffering lives.Spare me……


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