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I Thought She Was Someone I Thought I Knew

As I looked at the old and fading photographs,I happened to glance in the mirror and realized the girl/woman in those photographs was someone I thought I knew. Where was the young,some said beautiful,but willful young woman? I searched my memory bank and remembered she had disappeared one late,hot and humid July night.She had cowered in the dank,dark,humid night trying to wash her eye out and could not think but for the pain and fear and anger she felt.There were others with her,but I do not know if she remembered all that had happened.A tragedy is personal and in some ways it can only happen to YOU.She cared not of the others that may be hurt other than the woman she had called mother for 12 years, She would lose that too,just like before when she was very little. Tragedies seemed to follow her.
She lost more than an eye and a mother that night,she lost that inner spark of wanting to know it all and experience it. It was the beginnings of the birth of a new era for not only women,but for all . It was the dawning of the perfect time for who she had been not who she was now.
She had been manipulative as a very young woman,and child,until coming home from school one day she was pulled into a basement of an unfinished house and repeatedly molested by those who were older than she by many years. Telling her parents was when she realized that they were no longer her heroes or touchstones.She was not being truthful they thought.they said she was lying and she then learned to keep things close to her vest and rely on those wits and looks to get her through many things until that night in July.She managed to push those experiences to the recesses of her mind, She was smart,creative and wanted to do something with her life. She continued to succeed in school,especially with her writing for the paper and creative writing, Her grades Had to be good in order to please her demanding parents,and her knowing that only school would get her as far away from those who had dismissed and denigrated her.
I look at the pictures again and cannot help but wonder what that young woman would have achieved had that night not happened. Am I making excuses for her,saying she still could have managed to attain her goals,
No, as she said this was the dawning of that new era,not the morning,afternoon,evening,and she was being programmed by those who said she needed to take no chances,get well and not worry about what she had wanted.She was being groomed,very carefully,to be like so many of that time, someone who please those around her,and especially young men. Losing one’s sense of self during the advent of your sexuality and what that means to a woman who those people that once told her how beautiful she was no longer say so.Those would in time say again,”You do not look like anything happened.” No, I guess not after numerous eye surgeries,and a marvelous artificial eye.
She was ripe for the picking after she regained what she thought was her identity …her looks even if enhanced by artificial means.

Does the fact that she now stares at the ruins of a family that was and will be no more and knows not the reason why…Are we destined to be the sum total of what made us be who we are and not who we could have been?

I know nothing anymore,and am far too tired and weary to care about those what have turned their backs not just on me,but the one they say they revere.I do not believe that for an instant as you would care more for his interests and desires rather than chasing your version of your supposed long suffering lives.Spare me……


How does a parent heal a fathers’ broken heart and I overcome my need for vengeance.I can be there for him but my need for vengeance supersedes all

Our youngest son has committed not just an act against his entire family other than the one who would jump off of cliff for him has finally broken the remaining ties that had become tentative at best.

He, without permission and with complete intent to commit fraud with premeditation and it was done to hurt me,but has broken his fathers’ heart and ruined a family. Being an insurance agent in a long line  of lost jobs he not only committed fraud,but has lost his own family to boot.How does one know who else he may have done this to? Seniors on fixed incomes? His friends?

His father has Parkinsons and after a fall last winter was sent to a rehab.Prior to this we moved to Maryland to be closer to our eldest son who has not only kept us afloat due to younger son’s avarice greed and probably desperation.He had to go into hospital in the fall while I was in with a blood clot and broken pelvis.Upon calling youngest son,he did come over and then promptly dropped his father off at the ER.He was in hospital and had to go to his home just for one night as he was virtually kicked out.Our eldest son had to come up and take a family leave and take him to Maryland where we have moved.He has done too much to even enumerate .Furniture,prescriptions that we could not afford,food.Youngest son…Nada.Prior to this he had transferred money,(smalll from accoun hat was his father’s and put it another bank with he and wifes’name Not once during the time at his brothers home did he call his dad to inquire as to his health nor anything else.Not once did he offer to help other than getting groceries for us once.He took money out of account he transferred money to and bought his kids far more expensive for birthdays and Christmas after I had bought for them.I have always tried to keep it fair.

Does he have a right to be angry?In his mind I suppose he does.Never was he denied anything,Did he finally complete college,Yes after seven years and married his dream wife,had his dream home(he is losing that too) and wonderful children.He is charming,and could have done anything that took persuasive and positive talking.He could not do that,as he lacks the ability to listen,and without that how can you pick up the vibes on what your customer wants?

Was it necessary to turn to something illegal and to commit fraud.Hardly seems worth it as with us finding out we changed it back,insurance company is now aware of it.His brother knows he cut him out and for life of me I cannot figure out his sister.Maybe since he knows he could work her.

I do vengeance very well and this is just the beginning.I have nothing to lose anymore.

Was losing our family and his own  family…Was it worth it? Time will tell and Karma is indeed a bitch.

What Will Our Tommorrow`s Bring?

What Will Our Tommorrow`s Bring?.

Living With APS

I guess I was in my mid teens when I started noticing I did not feel as well as I thought I should. I was constantly tired,(what teenager isn`t) and I think for the most part people considered me a bit of a drama queen. I had been through a lot for one so young and the worst was yet to come in so many ways.
I had already witnessed my mothers` suicide right before the Christmas holidays in 1949.She had been sick most of my childhood and looking back now I am positive she too had APS(Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome).My life had been turned on it`s axis and nothing ever would be the same except to get worse.
I sometimes cannot help but wonder had she lived what things would have been like.I honestly feel it would have driven her to do what she did no matter what.She also had to live with the charming rogue who was her husband and my father.He also happened to be manic-depressive. I remember vividly the night she told me she was about to give me a brother or sister and her sitting in her dressing room and putting my hand on her stomach so I could feel the baby move.I have fleeting memories,her face and her voice with her charming Spanish accent is always in my head.Her smell(Joy) is a constant even now as I am an senior citizen,She would come into my room at night swathed in an evening gown and furs looking like something out of a movie,touch me and kiss my head as they would head out for the evening to a party,or the theater. These however are but of a few of the good memories.
I can also see her shaking(seizure) and repeatedly collapsing down the curving staircase of our home and lying in a heap.Countless trips to Drs, and so called sanatoriums  for whatever healing and restorative powers they may bring.Tests that I overheard that frightened me to death,such as getting her brain filled with air and then I suppose some kind of X-Ray. These were far before the advent of MRIs and any kind of scans.
For the most part I was raised to that point in life by a wonder couple that lived with us who were Japanese.Tessie and Toschimo,and Mrs Jones(housekeeper,gardener,and nanny).I have always also felt that if she had lived my sister and I would have gone to boarding schools.She put my father first.He was a full time job in itself. He and his brother had become wealthy by fitting and engineering the gun turrets for the B-29 bombers of WWII.

What Will Our Tommorrow`s Bring?

After the events of last week I cannot help but wonder if this is not a glimpse of what is going to happen or shall I just be honest and say,”What the hell is going on?” Is this havoc we have wreaked on ourselves,our planet,our government,our children`s futures have come back to bite us in the butt? You cannot help but wonder….

I have been in hurricanes in my youth,but I never thought I would experience an earthquake,a hurricane,more rain in a month than this area has ever seen and ravage flooding within days of each other. People can mock Al Gore all they want,but he was right plain and simple and now with the economy being what it is will the President and Congress finally get together and realize that even without having funds at hand they are going to have to do something on the scope of FDR`s WPA,TVA etc.Our roads are falling apart,our bridges are falling down,and now we know that we are no better off than we were ten years ago when we came under attack by terrorists. Not even the NYPF,NYFD EMS people and other first responders have the radios or other devices to commnicate with one another. We have fought in three wars that have cost billions under false pretenses whose only benefactor was Dick Cheney. Cheney decided he would be the power behind the somewhat tarnished throne of GW and so it was meant to be…..We were duped plain and simple. No one was a hero in any of this,how many lives have been lost? How many young people served with dignity to a country who will show them none whe they come home from countless tours and cannot find jobs etc. So it goes my fellow Americans…we have been duped… More ramblings and thoughts to follow about a variety of subjects just so that I can vent,be angry at a health care system that refused to find out what was wrong,and at children who now that I know refuse to get their children tested for a genetic  condition. Do I let my Drs write the letters,or keep peace…so it goes…